Ask Johnny?

Because some people actually asked for it... We bring you "Ask Johnny?"

Need advice? Then you've come to the right place... Whatever the subject.... Questions will be answered by Johnny and/or members of the Big Wheel Biker Gang and posted right here!

You will receive an e-mail when your question has been answered! Please be patient, we will answer all questions.

Dear Johnny,

Do you know where my pen for my PDA falls? Where did my old laptop go?

-Yudha

Dear Yudha,
Your pen ran away, because it didn't think you should use a PDA. I asked Sir Buddy Tyrone about your laptop. He mentioned something about seeing a closet monster running down the street with it last week. Be very careful when approaching closet monsters! It may be better to just let it go.

Technology is evil,
Johnny

Dear Johnny,

How many guys like me at my school? Who will I marry? and when? When am I going to have a boyfriend? What shoes am I wearing?

-Lindsey

Dear Lindsey,
You sure do have a lot of questions! Well, being the great psyhic I am, here we go... 3. You'll marry someone you meet your sophmore year of college, so make sure you stay in school! You'll get married two years after you graduate college. You'll have a boyfriend by Christmas. The means more presents! Sweet!! As I'm typing this, you are not wearing any shoes. I'd go with the black ones today, though.

Don't forget to invite me to the wedding ,
Johnny

Dear Johnny,

I wanted to know if my boyfriend is cheating on me?

-VIMA

Dear VIMA,
If you have to ask the question, you're probably not in the right relationship either way. There's plenty of men out there, so don't waste your life doubting. If you really want to know, I recommend Cheaters, but let me know, so I can set my VCR!

That's why I don't date boys (among many other reasons),
Johnny

Dear Johnny,

What's my name?

-Amit

Dear Amit,
I feel like this is a trick question... Like when I asked myself what shoes I was wearing. I'm gonna have to go with Amit, since that's what you put down as your name. Unless you're a liar and then that's just not nice.

Pretty sure I know what my name is,
Johnny

Dear Johnny,

Who will I marry and when will it happen?

-Briz 18

Dear Briz 18,
You'll get married at 25 to a man named Mike. Don't forget to invite your favorite Big Wheel Biker Gang leader to the wedding!

Hope he's got lots of money,
Johnny

Dear Johnny,

My friend "Stacy's" family is crazy. Her siblings live at home with her dad, even though they're in their 30s. What's your take on that?

-Chip

Dear Chip,
Unless they've somehow managed to figure out how to make the lines, "Hey, do you want to come back to my dad's place?" or "My dad doesn't let me have people over after nine, can we go back to your place?," work, they need to get their own place. Hopefully dad is charging them rent!

Get a haircut and get a real job,
Johnny

Dear Johnny,

What shoes am I wearing?

-Ask Johnny

Dear Ask Johnny!?,
Well, I don't recall asking myself this question, but I'm currently not wearing any shoes.

Sometimes barefoot is where it's at,
Johnny

Dear Johnny,

When am I going to have a boyfriend?

-Summer Fleury

Dear Summer Fleury,
In approximately 2 months, 1 week and 3 days from today. Today being July 13, 2008.

Good luck,
Johnny

Dear Johnny,

Who likes me from room 207?

-Mayra

Dear Mayra,
If you're at the front of the room, facing the class... It's the boy closes to the far right corner.

Hope he's a looker,
Johnny

Dear Johnny,

What's my husbands first and last name?

-Summer

Dear Summer,
Your future husband's name is Dylan Baker. Don't forget to invite the Big Wheel Biker Gang to the wedding! Or better yet, join the Church of Dynamite and you have Reverend Dynamite perform the ceremony!

Congrats ,
Johnny

Dear Johnny,

What am i wearing? (the same question was asked by two separate people)
-Chase and Tim

Dear Chase and Tim,
On the day in question, Chase was wearing a leopard skin speedo with a "Frankie Says Relax" t-shirt. Tim wore a bright yellow, mesh tank top with navy man capris. Hopefully you two did not cross paths during the day.

Keep high fashion alive,
Johnny

Dear Johnny,

I have this friend. She's nice sometimes, but other times she can be a bitch and i can't always trust her. Should i still be her friend?
-Best Friend

Once again, we are joined by guest therapist, Nikki!

Dear Best Friend,
As i say with a lot of questions like these, tried talking to her about it? But if she's doing it intentionally, and you know that for a fact and can prove it... then no. You could be if you wanted to, but that's up to you. I've had "friends" like that. Trust me, they only want you for something else.

-Nikki (Click here to get more advice from Nikki!)

Dear Johnny,

My friend has jealousy problems and everytime me and one of my other friends try to do something she gets mad at us. What should we do?
-Suzy

This week we are joined by guest therapist, Nikki!

Dear Suzy and friends,
Talk to her about it. Let her know what's up. The best thing you can do to keep a close relationship with your friend is to be totally honest. Believe me... I've been there. LOADS OF TIMES. All I did was talked to her about it, and worked things out about it. It's not a good idea to hide things from her though. She'll find out sooner or later. Confront her. Tell her how you feel, and ask if she be willing to cope with the plans you make (nicely). She's probably only jealous because she envies you and your friends getting together. If you're talking about plans in front of her and she's not invited... no wonder she get jealous. And if you can, invite her along. It'd make her feel good... That is if she's not a pain in the butt to you.

-Nikki (Click here to get more advice from Nikki!)

Dear Johnny,

Liz and I have set the date and we were wondering if you would like to marry us. The date is July 19, 2007.
-Engaged in Ohio

Dear Engaged in Ohio,
Well, hopefully you meant July 19, 2008. If not, I'm a bit late. How could I say no to an offer like that? And you're in luck! Johnny Dynamite is indeed Reverend Johnny Dynamite! I was ordained on January 8, 2003! You can become a member of the Church of Dynamite at www.churchofdynamite.com.

Can't wait for the big day ,
Reverend Johnny

Dear Johnny,

Has your would-be assassin been apprehended and if so, is she suffering the most heinous of punishments?
-#1 Cuz

Dear #1 Cuz,
Unfortunately she continues to evade our crack detectives. She was last spotted heading to Zimbabwe. She narrowly slipped away from Deputy Sugar in a London double decker bus. Tex is taking a break from his safari and is currently en route to Zimbabwe. We're confident that she will be brought to justice!

Thanks for the concern ,
Johnny

Dear Johnny,

I have some advice for YOU... Put up a damn comment box in the hot chick of the week and song of the week sections... I've got a lot of trash to fire back at you.
-An Angry Deputy

Dear Angry Deputy,
We'll try to get to that as soon as possible. Until then you can send your complaints to johnnydynamite@bigwheelbikergang.com. We'll promptly ignore your complaints, but if anyone other than you has something to say, we'll be glad to listen.

Quit your complaining,
Johnny

Dear Johnny,

What do I do about this rash?
-Itchy in Philly

Dear Itchy,
Unfortunately a quick google search shows that you may have syphilis. Sorry for the bad news. Luckily it's a bacterial infection that can be treated. You can read more at www.cdc.gov. Remember... Like Grandma always said, "Don't be silly, wrap your willy."

Best of luck,
Johnny